Pianta Girl
by BackToTheWoods
Summary: Ever wander about the ghostly receptionist who works at the Pianta Parlor in Paper Mario? Well, here is a ridiculous account of the strange night Mario spends with her. Basically a paper mario parody with a few serious parts.
1. A Moonlit Meeting

---Pianta Girl---

-----Part I----

A Moonlit Meeting

Mario was kicking around town one day in November. Rogueport had been scary at first, but ever since he got an apartment with his buddy Luigi, he had actually learned to like it. Besides, West Rogueport, where he lived, wasn't quite as scary as the East, where calumny and deception seemed to reign supreme.

Mario awoke one Wednesday night in a cold sweat. He had been dreaming, evidently. But his dream had been so vivid. He was playing his favorite airplane game at the Pianta Parlor, and he was doing better than he had ever done, better than is even possible in real life. The marker read 1200 meters! And he was about to land on a square that showed "x20", meaning his score would be multiplied by 20. But when he landed, the square turned into Geraldine, the pallid receptionist from the Pianta Parlor.

"What a wacko dream," Mario thought to himself. But there was something exciting about the dream as well.

"Do I have the hots for Geraldine, or what?" the Stache King searched himself, but couldn't seem to come to a decision. He didn't NOT like her, that was for sure. Yet at the same time, Geraldine wasn't someone he would call totally hot. She was a ghost, for Bowser's sake! But some new, mysterious feeling was coming to life in Mario. Could he possibly have fallen for a ghost? What would Princess Peach think?

Then he remembered to himself, "Oh yeah. I forgot...Princess Peach is a high-maintenance bitch. She seems so sweet, and she's so physically hot, but she's always demanding, and whining, and is also a downright ditz. Life surely can't just be about sex. Even for me, a pixelated hero, there must be something more."

So Mario got up from bed, changed his boxers, and descended the creaky steps, stepping out into the main courtyard of West Rogueport.

He checked his pocketwatch. It was 9:58 pm. "No, that can't be," he thought. "I went to bed at 10 pm..." Then he remembered he must have set his watch to Petalburg time, and forgot. Petalburg is two hours behind West Rogueport, so it must be...11:58 pm.

"Excellent," Mario mumbled. "Geraldine gets off work in two minutes!"

Mario walked over to the Pianta Parlor, to where those neon lights shown in all their electric brilliance. He decided the best tactic would be that of surprise. There were some dirty trashcans next to the entrance. Opening one up, he hopped in.

"Mario?" said Darkly. "What are you doing in my trashcan?"

"Oh, sorry," Mario said in shock. "I thought this one was vacant. I um...well I'll just switch to another one."

"Whatever gets you off, pal," replied the gothic being, Darkly.

Mario emerged from the trashcan reeking of garbage, and with a banana peel stuck to his forehead. He suddenly got goosebumps all over. Something was wrong. He looked up. The neon Pianta sign was turned off. There door was locked. That means...

From behind him he heard the aeolian voice as if for the first time, "Mario...come with me, Let me whisk you away. We shall ride on the ethereal winds, and go to the land of milk and honey, where I will teach you the ways of the ghost, and we will watch Beetlejuice and Ghostbusters all day..."

Except that wasn't really what Geraldine said. Mario had a pretty healthy imagination, so that his thoughts often bordered on hallucination. But he quickly came to and realized that Geraldine was standing behind him, and had seen him getting out of a trashcan.

"Mario!" Geraldine yelled, concernedly. "Mario! I'm talking to you! Why were you in that trashcan? Have you been shooting those stars again? I thought you just got out of rehab for that..."

The shamefaced Stache King turned around. Geraldine's wan pallor expressed such an exotic, almost alien type of raw beauty. A high, crescent moon cast a mystical light on all her features. There is nothing quite like nighttime in Rogueport. This happens when videogamers turn off their systems.

"Mario! Please...just say something!" Geraldine pleaded, a desperate look in her eyes.

"Geraldine, I...I...," Mario stammered. "Would you like to walk down to the pier, so we can talk?" A genius tactic. Girls, ghosts or not, love romantic places like a pier in the moonlight.

"Okay," replied Geraldine, seeming to hide a faint smile, or so Mario thought.


	2. The Galleon and the Invocation

---Pianta Girl---

-----Part II----

The Galleon and The Invocation

Mario nervously walked down towards the Rogueport docks, with the transparent Geraldine floating beside him. Suddenly, as if his will was controlled by some outside entity, Mario turned towards his ghostly crush and asked, in a forced, robotic voice, "By the way, why did you change your name to Geraldine?" The strange force immediately left his body, and he wondered why he had asked the question.

But this outside will seemed to enter Geraldine's soul as well, willing her to reply, "The author hasn't played this game for a few weeks, and he forgot what the Pianta Girl's real name was. So he made one up." Then, like the pressurized air leaving a balloon, this alien will quietly departed from Geraldine, leaving her feeling bewildered and violated.

"That was strange...," murmured the ghost. "I...I didn't really say that. I mean, I didn't know what I was talking about...," she drifted off into ghostly silence and confusion.

Mario felt this was a fine opportunity to grab hold of Geraldine's hand, and he did so, delicately, feline-like. "Geraldine," he began, looking into her nebulous eyes, "we both know that there are many strange things that happen in this world. Sometimes I get the feeling that all we see is only a paper-thin facade. The mystical sage has even told me that no one here even really has free will...I don't think I believe that. I don't know. But what I do know is..."

"Mario," petitioned Geraldine, "if this is about those times you cheated by saving the game only when you managed to gain Piantas, and then restarting every time you lost..."

"No, no, no," spoke Mario, in a light-hearted but distracted manner. "That was..." he started, then lost his train of thought. "Listen, a Stache Brother's got to do what a Stache Brother's go to do!"

Geraldine gave a nod of forgiveness and understanding.

Mario continued, in a serious tone, "But that's not the point. Look, we're at the docks now..." then his eyes drifted to the end of the docks, and sparked in surprise. Suddenly an exclamation mark appeared above his head. "What the f..." Mario swatted it away. "Do you see that, Dina?" He called her by her nick-name.

"Amazing!" exclaimed the ghost. "A whole galleon, a whole twin-masted ship, just floating here in the water!"

This vessel was quite probably a hundred feet long. At the bow was a carving of a dragon, not menacing, but looking as if he held a dark secret.

"I wish we could sail this thing," divulged the Red Stache, "but, this would take a crew of at least a dozen to handle..."

"Mario, I know! I'll call up my friends from Coleridge's poem about the ancient mariner!" shouted the excited Pianta girl.

Mario hadn't heard of this supposed Coleridge character, but he assented to the idea of calling for help, and Geraldine began to swirl around and mumble what must have been incantations of some kind, even though at one point Mario swore he heard some Beck lyrics thrown in there.

When Geraldine stopped spinning, she turned to Mario with a serious look, "Now, these friends of mine...they're a bit gothic and gloomy. I'm not sure if they'll be up for a sailing adventure, yet it's our best chance. And...they may be a bit hostile at first. Do you have any form of protection?"

Mario's Italian eyes lit up. He pulled his wallet out of his overalls and was about to pull from out the deepest leather folds the paper condom he had kept ever since high school, "just in case". Yet here he was, a grown hero, and still it was unused. But not because Mario had been inexperienced at all...far from it. It's just that Princess Peach had been, rather "hardcore", as they say. She had banged around with Bowser, Luigi, Koopa Troopas, heck, even scaly old Hook-Tail had has his turn with Peachy. As a result, she was as barren as a dried up fig in a bottle of acid, in a refrigerator, in a black hole. Thus Mario didn't need any protection with her. But Geraldine was so strange, so pure, Mario faltered as if his brain wouldn't allow him any unclean thoughts of such a beautiful creation. His hand was shaking and the condom fell from his grip and slipped down between the wooden planks of the dock, and into the sea. Of course, a mechanical fish, with zigzag jaws, gulped it up, with a strange expression of surprise.

"Oh," went Geraldine, "you uh...dropped your...thingy. But, I see you do have protection, your hammer is tucked away hidden in that metaphysical niche behind your back. Hehe."

Mario blushed. He couldn't tell if Geraldine had actually understood his mistake, or if it had gone straight over her head. Girls always seemed to be innocent and naive, but Mario had a strange intuition that perhaps they really understood just as much as he did, and more.

The sounds of clanging chains and rushing water came galloping towards them from far out at sea. Geraldine looked at Mario, a slight glint of fear in her eyes. The Red Stache put his arm around the ghost's shoulder, or what seemed to be her shoulder anyway, and held her tight. They waited together, under the moonlight, for what fate would throw at them next. 


	3. Into the Blue

---Pianta Girl---

-----Part III----

Into the Blue

Geraldine was ghostly pale as the group of dead pirates floated nearer, acrost the water. Mario held her tightly with one arm, and grasped his hammer with his other hand, anticipating an unpleasant encounter. But as the ghost sailors drifted closer still, Mario and Dina somehow became calmer. The pirates excited ones curiosity, not fear. Chains dangled acrost their shoulders, and rusty handcuffs clanged together. Yet even their chains, as well as their tattered garments, were translucent wisps. Though slightly above the water, they bobbed up and down with the black swells.

"Mario, I don't know how I know this, but I am absolutely sure that these…things...will be kind to us, and help us," whispered Geraldine.

"I feel the same," he replied, "That said, I think you should handle the communications between us, and them. You are, uh, as it were, a…" he drifted off, shuffling his mustache as if trying to get sand out of it.

"Yes!" Dina smacked Mario lightly acrost the forehead, "I do realize that I'm a ghost, you dolt! And it's perfectly natural, and indeed rather necessary that I should be, an ambassador of sorts."

"I don't know if it's perfectly natural, Dina. More like perfectly 'supernatural'!" humbly proclaimed Mario, shyly looking to her face to discern a reaction.

Geraldine sent Mario a grimace, which turned into a loving smile, and she then kissed him on the cheek. They looked at each other, and some dimension of romance was languidly opening up its dreary eyelids to look upon the two lovers, when something interrupted their meditations.

"Arg! Zat za beech un summoned us up frem duh underzworld? Eh? Ar…Wot ya wont n all it teks fookeen furever ta git here ya knoe…eh? Arg…so wots diz sheet abowt?" growled the ghost pirate, who seemed to be the leader. The whole gang was now only a few meters from the dock, just floating above the water, and looking not exactly angry, but rather like a grandfather whose been woken up from a deep slumber.

Geraldine all of a sudden got scared again, but she tried to remain calm and think back to the classes she had taken at the University of Spookin' in relation to what one should do when encountering spirits one has called forth, "Oh, praises of lightning to your graciousness for um…bestowing up us…humble ones…us weak ones…your graceful graciousness…it's…uh…really great of you to be so…great…"

"Wot eenda fukis sheeon!?" This time it was a short pirate, with a red cap, who spoke, or rather screeched, "Leestn woomn, jos saee wot ju goin saee, n stop fookn erown! We aeernt no anshunt lordz r meestikl deeminz, sheet! Wir fookn pairits! K now? Treet us is such! Now wot!?" He then placed his hands on his hips and spat, a wad of black goo, into the sea. Before it hit the water, a mechanical fish, with jaws of spiky metal, jumped up and swallowed the goo in one bite. A second went by and then something rather strange happened.

From out the sea came that same mechanical fish head, with a perturbed and rather angry look on its metal face. It glanced at the floating pirates, then at Mario and Geraldine, before speaking in a very tinny, quiet voice, "Okay, so I may not be the most popular creature around. But I'm just trying to keep you peoples out of our clean waters. And I must admit I do enjoy the rare chance when I get to take a bite of Princess Peach's little tush…hee hee hee! But that's beside the point. Thing is, this past week has been a piece of crap. People have been throwing me stinky boots, underwear, moldy bread, you name it! Anything you land lubbers don't want, you throw in the water. And I have to eat it, I don't have a choice. Only the creatures get spit back out, everything stays with me. And today I get a degraded old Italian condom and a big wad of chewed ghost tobacco?! So that does it, I quit! I'm gonna go find Nemo like I've always wanted to do!" And with that the mechanical fish turned his gears and cogs and swam off into the depths.

"Kareechurz deez daiz…got no senz uh konstuncy, er perpiss," grumbled the leader pirate, with a shake of his head.

"Ha ha…perpiss…" mumbled Mario.

Geraldine then wondered how Mario could possibly be laughing at that, when it should have sounded exactly the same as the word "purpose". But her head started hurting so she dropped that line of thought. Then, remembering that she was the one who had invoked these pirates, she spoke up, "Sorry to waste so much time, gentlemen. This is Mario," she nodded to her left, "Yes, that's right, Super Mario!" The pirates all gave a blank stare. Dina continued, "Uh…you know…the Italian, with the Red Mustache! Super Mario! You know, mushrooms and bombs and turtle-shells and Princess Peach!" Still the pirates didn't show any sign of recognition.

Then one very old pirate in the back raised a bushy eyebrow and squeaked, "Er…da plummmer?"

Dina nodded.

Then there came a great cheer from the whole ghost pirate gang. They shouted "Mario! Mario!" and clapped their hands and chains together. The leader said, "Grar…weeyul doo anytingz fer mareeo!" And the gang growled in assent.

Overwhelmed with joy, Geraldine said in a steady voice, as she pointed towards the old ship, "Well, gentlemen. We simply want to sail that ship. Anywhere really. But we need a crew. So I summoned you up thinking you might want to be our crew? How about it?"

There was silence for about a nanosecond.

Then the pirates cheered, and swore, and started climbing onto the galleon.

Geraldine turned towards Mario, "I think that means they'll help us."

"I think it does, my sweet Ghost," said Mario. Then he gave her an Italian kiss which is like a French kiss but more garlicky.

And before they knew it they were untying the very last ropes that bound them to the dock. The sails were hoisted and set, the crew was ready, and the ship started out straight into the darkness.

The darkness that was made so much more dark by the moonlight that lit it.

And Mario mumbled, "There are so many things wrong with that last sentence, grammatically, semantically, artistically…but…what can a Stache Brother do, but sail into the blue?"


	4. Smelly Air

---Pianta Girl---

-----Part IV----

Smelly Air

Mario and Geraldine (the receptionist from the Pianta Parlor), who is also called Dina, stood at the helm of the ship as their crew of ghost pirates managed the sails and lines, leading the ship away from the Rogueport docks and into the blue...er..blush_ish_...darkness...

"So…" began Dina, looking at Mario, "Where to?"

"Huh?"

"Like…where are we going? We could sail anywhere in the entire Paper World, Mario. Where should we go?"

"Paper world? PAPER WORLD?!!!!?" he asked, with a sapphire eye.

Then Mario started flipping out.

"Paper world! Paper world!"

He shouted over and over as he did those flippy-stomp type things on the deck of the ship.

Dina calmly raised an eyebrow, "Uh…you okay, buddy?"

But Mario was out of it.

Dina went to the ghost pirates for help.

"What's wrong with my Mario??" she asked them.

One of the pirates took a look at Mario, who was still jumping up and down, shouting about the paper world, and said, "Aye nose argzakatikaly wos ronng wit de boy!

"Okay…assuming I understood your drunken ass correctly, 'argzakatikaly' WHAT IS wrong with him?

"Arg…iz dis…hee wonts OUT!!"

Dina didn't understand. "Out??" she asked.

"Out!" the pirate screamed.

Then all the pirates started screaming "Out! Out! Out!" while Mario was still all nutty and mumbling about the paper world.

Basically, everyone on the boat was acting like a complete lunatic except for Dina.

Then she realized "Oh…OUT of the PAPER WORLD!"

But just as Dina was coming to this realization, and wondering what it _meant_, the air turned smelly.

"Eeeeewwwwwww!" groaned Dina, plugging her transparent nose, "Who farted!?"

Then the mechanical fish with the zigzag jaws stuck his head out from the ocean and murmured, "Whoever smelt it dealt it," then immediately sunk back into the ocean.

But it wasn't really a fart smell.

It was a fishy smell...

- - - BATTLE - - - (trumpets blaring, and lame midi music)

_Enter, stage left:_ Snarg, the Smelly Sea Monster (big and scaly, lots of tentacles, a mix between nessie and a giant squid)

"Grar! I'm gonna tentacle rape all of you!" grumbled Snarg, the sea monster.

"Aye caramba!" screamed Dina, "I have basically zero fighting skills...and Mario and all the ghost pirates have gone crazy..."

Dina tried desperately to shake Mario by the shoulders and get him to snap out of it.

Meanwhile, Snarg was preparing for some pretty fishy attacks.

SWOOOOOSHH- Snarg shoots out a giant fishing net, capturing three ghost pirates, and drags them into his gaping jaws.

(_chomping sounds_) "Yum ... delicious. That's what yall humans get for overfishing!"

Dina, who was now slapping Mario across the face, looked over her shoulder, "Uh...they aren't humans, you dork. They're ghost pirates. They don't even eat food..."

"Huh? Oh that explains the weird taste. Grar...well I'm still gonna tentacle rape you!" Snarg screamed.

At this point Dina said "Here, tentacle rape Mario! He likes that kind of thing, judging from the comics he has under his mattress!"

(author looks questioningly at Dina)

"What?" Dina looks at author. "Peach told me...shutup and write."

Dina throws Mario over the railing.

GLOOP- Snarg shoves a slimy tentacle up Mario's butt.

Except...he realizes it wasn't Mario whom Dina threw at him. It was...the mechanical fish with the zigzag jaws.

CHOMP- mechanical fish bites off Snarg's tentacles, one by one, and they both sink into the ocean.

---End Battle Scene--- Dina is awarded 32 stars, Mario none.

By this time the shipmates and Mario seemed to have calmed down.

"I'm glad you guys are better," said Dina. "What was wrong?"

The pirates told her that it often happens when people set out to sea in the Paper World.

"We often want to GET OUT of the Paper World so bad that it makes us go wacko. It's...so confining."

"Well," asked Dina, "why don't we sail OUT of the Paper World???"

An old pirate spoke up, "I've heard it said that..."

Wait aren't you supposed to talk in a funny accent?

Oh ya...

"Eye'v heerd it sayd dat dere izz a pipe..."

The other pirates interrupted the old man, "Ferget it gramps! Dats jus a Pipe Dream! Wee can't git out of diz world!"

But later than night Dina listened to the old man's story. She then called a convention of everyone.

"Attention! I've heard the old man's story, and since you all want to GET OUT of the Paper World, I say we give it a try! According to him, there is a green pipe about three day's ride southwest of here. That pipe supposedly leads to...the real world!"

The pirates grumbled and were sceptical at first.

But Mario spoke up "As one who almost got tentacle raped tonight..."

Dina nudged him and whispered something...

"Oh yes," Mario coughed, "I mean tentacle BUTT-raped, thankyou Dina," he cleared his through again, "I say what have we got to lose?"

"Certainly not our butt-virginity..." mumbled the old pirate.

"WHAT!?"

"Aye said uh luv you more dan infinitee!" the pirate looked around, "Yay fer Mario!"

Then all the pirates cheered.

"Yay fer Mario! We luv him more dan infinitee!"

And they sailed southwest.


	5. The Green Pipe

---Pianta Girl--- 

-----Part V----

The Green Pipe

After sailing further and further away from the waters that were so familiar to them, the crew of ghost pirates, Mario, and the Pianta Girl Geraldine, noticed a change.

"Grar….thee woter seemz ta be kwite com…a leetle tooo com…fya aks may!"

"Jumping mushrooms!" screamed Mario, "look at that!" He pointed far out to the horizon.

"What….is it?" asked Dina.

One of the pirates climbed all the way up to the crow's nest, and looked through his binoculars.

"Welll shiverr me bitches! Eeets a greeen pipe, shuur enuf!" he growled.

"A green pipe! _THE_ Green Pipe, that will lead out of this Paper World," said Dina, not necessarily speaking to anyone.

They sailed on for a half a day more, but it went quickly, as they all spent their time talking about what may exist outside the Paper World.

But finally they reached the green pipe. Behind it was a wall….just a plain wall, painted like the sky, just like in the Truman Show.

"What's the Truman Show?" asked Mario.

"It's a movie with Jim….oh dammit Mario you're not supposed to talk to me. I'm trying to do narration…."

"Well how about a bit more dialogue? And some kissy kissy…eh?" he looked at Dina, who then looked at me, eyebrows raised in fear.

"Just…okay….I'll put in more dialogue…less narration. More action too…but stop talking to me. People will get suspicious…"

Oh, hi! _looks at you_ Hee hee…sorry about that I…uh…

Mario got the crew's attention by farting really loud.

"Okay! Everyone listening now?" (most were passed out after the smell got to them)

"We have an important decision to make. The green pipe isn't big enough for the whole boat. There's a little skiff that can hold about two people. I propose that me and Dina go through the pipe, do a sort of reconnaissance mission, and then if things are okay we'll come back to get everyone."

The pirates all looked at him, silent because of the deadly fart.

"Okay! It's a plan! Seeya!" He grabbed Dina by the waist, threw her into the skiff which was attached to the side of the ship, and cut the ropes with a small dagger he had been carrying.

The small skiff gently landed in the water.

"Oh son of a toadstool!" Mario roared.

"What?"

"I left the oars on the boat."

They shouted to the pirates to throw down some oars, but the pirates were still nearly unconscious from the fart, which hadn't affected Dina for some reason related to plot.

"How embarrassing."

The green pipe was only about twenty feet away, touching the water and running parallel to it, built into the sky wall.

"Fuck this, let's swim."

Mario jumped out of the boat, and began freestyling towards the pipe. Suddenly he realized Dina wasn't behind him. He looked around.

She was floating just beside him.

"Damn ghosts…"

As soon as they touched the threshold of the pipe, they were immediately sucked in.

---

Meanwhile, in the real world, a kid named Jim was in the 7th grade, and raised his hand.

The teacher rolled her eyes, "Yes, Jimmy?"

"Can I…"

"Yes….go ahead."

He rushed out of the room. Jim had a serious disease called takeabigcrapitis. This disease causes its poor victim to take gigantic poops exactly seven times per day. It is relatively rare, about 1 in 6 billion people have it. But eating at Taco Bell increases your chances of getting it by 6 billion.

The boy's bathroom was closed for maintenance, so without thinking, Jim rushed into the girl's bathroom.

A robot greeted him at the entrance. "Hi welcome to the girl's bathroom. Would you like a massage? Perhaps a magazine or two? Or some chewing gum?"

Jim looked around him. Everything was clean and smelled like Lavender. There was a huge leather couch, a couple big screen Tvs, and a row of six gold-plated toilets.

"Holy shiznit…the boy's bathroom is just all sticky and gross, with pee everywhere. But this place is…awesome. I should look into that gender reassignment stuff my uncle was telling me about…"

"Could not understand command," spurted the robot. "Can I help you?"

"Hah, I don't think so, roboto! I just gotta take a major dump!"

The robot looked at him blankly, not understanding.

Jim rushed to the back of the room, admiring the Persian rugs and the ceiling painted like the Sistine chapel. He took the furthest stall, closed the door behind him, and let drop trow!

He began to poop like no human being rightly should, when all of a sudden something rushed up out of the toilet and pushed him forward, smacking him into the closed stall door.

Covered in poo, and pants down around his knees, Jim rubbed his now aching forehead and managed to turn himself around and look at what had done this to him.

"Could it have been a cherry bomb?" he thought.

But when he saw Mario and Dina standing on the toilet, smiling and waving at him, he pooped his pants.

"I did not!"

"Uh, yes…" I said, "you did."

"Nu- uh….my pants are already down!" he protested.

"K whatever. You pooped the floor. Won't you people stop talking to me, you are ruining the story."

"SorrrrEEE!" he grumbled.

"Hi, I'm Ma…." Mario began. But then he stopped talking because this is called a cliffhanger and thus is the end of this chapter.


End file.
